Dear SR,
I’m the worst. No sense in telling you why. I told myself I’d do these more often, but then the world caught on fire and I guess I kept using that as an excuse to not get out of bed in the morning. Not like I don’t use my computer either. Hell I could use my phone to write these updates and yet…I don’t. Am I afraid to? It’s not like I have much of a choice when it comes to facing you. I’m not trying to say that is a bad thing. Well I suppose it is bad if I really had to put an adjective to it, but I don’t mean that in some malicious way, err…you know what I mean. Sorry if it came off as insulting. Sometimes I think I should be grateful, but I think you’d agree with me in saying I shouldn’t praise that. It’s a fact, so deal. That’s where I’m at on that topic I suppose.
I’m just gonna stop talking about that. I do however think I know a bit why I’m uncertain as to whether I want to use this platform as I originally intended. I mean I know other people have seen the website. I don’t exactly advertise it, but I also don’t exactly hide it. Which is how I want it to be. But seeing as I use it as a sort of portfolio page as well it does mean people will come across it. Especially now that I am searching for a job. My parents saw my resume, and I did put the link on it. Apparently my mother took the time to read it. Honestly I didn’t think she would take the time to read it.
She just said “You know, a lot of what’s on that site is kind of heavy and dark. Are you sure you want people reading that stuff?”
That’s a fair question. I wasn’t sure myself. But the things I write here are just me. Perhaps that isn’t something for possible employers to know. Perhaps they don’t care or they don’t want to know. Perhaps they’d refuse to hire someone with thoughts like mine. I guess they have the right to refuse that. On the other hand though, maybe a writer will see it as genuine. I don’t think I am direct enough in these letters to be described that way though. This did just start as a way to get these thoughts down in a not private, not public manner after all.
Anyways, I came to the conclusion that it’s fine. I doubt people will really look into it as much as I worry they might. Plus, I know who I am. I recognize my flaws. I’m not happy about them and I’m no where near a point where I feel okay with all that shit. In the end though that’s just me. I write this for me. Even if it really isn’t as cathartic as I wish it was.
I kind of feel like I’m just playing catch up now so this feels at least kind of up to date. Even though you’re pretty much the last person that needs an expositional recap on the goings on of my life. Maybe I’m just chronicling it for myself? An organizational exercise perhaps? Hmmm, I don’t think that’s accurate, but it’s what I’ll label it as for now.
So let’s see. I’m trying to get better eating habits. I still have a tendency to get absorbed in my own head and let hours go by without meals. I started cooking and preparing meals for myself though. It’s so I put in effort and thus feel more inclined to eat not only food, but what I would consider a better diet. When I get lazy about it I just figure its not worth it to eat. That’s a mindset I very much can’t afford right now. I’m sure this is such riveting dialogue. That was sarcastic in case you couldn’t tell.
I’ve really tried to pick up some extra work around my house these days. Tensions are high here and with it often just being my siblings and I, I sort of feel a heightened weight of responsibility. My brother has gone full on pathological liar. I could sit here for hours and pick apart everything he says and state why it all is manipulative, negatively charged, hateful, and just plain wrong. I kind of feel bad for my sister as she struggles to put her feelings into words. Luckily I have a decent relationship with her so she feels comfortable explicating the things that run through her head with me, which in turn gives me the chance to help make her voice heard when I have to stand up to my brother.
To think I used to be a pathetic runt who would just back down when we disagreed because I assumed he was right. To be fair he always was good at acting like he had the moral or intellectual high ground. It’s all it ever was though, an act. As I grew into myself and understood the world around our family I became smarter and figured out just how he ticked and how to not allow him to rule over someone mentally. The sad thing is he genuinely believes his own words. He believes he is always in the right and doesn’t even do a good job covering up any holes in his story. His strategy now that he doesn’t have footing just seems to be get angry and walk away when he finds himself on the losing side.
He says he’s aware of it and doesn’t like it, but even if that’s true he expresses no wish to change. So I can only assume he is just trying to sell me on that idea. Unless he can prove otherwise with his actions, I’m done taking anything he says seriously. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. His acts to show otherwise are so translucent that its quite pathetic. Either its a scheme or he just is terrible at making any change for the better of anything but himself. Actually he isn’t good at changing for himself either. He hates the environment he is in, but literally dodges any responsibility and opportunity to leave it he gets or is forced upon him because that would require more work than he is willing to do and it would require not having a free ride. Basically, he is a terrible person. I tried being nice and supporting him despite the fact that he wronged me so many times. But he turns around and betrays his words and my support in an instant. I’m not afraid to say it to his face either. I’ll quote it and date it right here.
He’s awful.
wb, 2020
I’m not delicate with him any more despite him being a probably mentally sick human being. I stopped doing that when he hurt my sister. I don’t give a single shit what you do to me, but not her. I don’t think she can handle it and he knows that. So it’s sick that he does this anyways knowing that fact. I know he knows it too, because I did him the pleasure of spelling it out for him. He acts like he knows how to get out of everything. That he gets it all. That the world is always against him. The truth is though, he made himself the villain to everyone’s story. It’s embarrassing he can’t see it; and if he can, then it’s sad that he can forget that so quick when he does something that leads himself further into that conclusion.
With that tangent being written down, the moral is he lost his chance to be my brother. I tried being his, and I tried to show him that something had to give, and what the consequences would be if he didn’t. He didn’t care. He kept pushing. He even made excuses to present it as not entirely his fault when he came face to face with it. So now, I’m not on his team. I don’t think I ever will be. He has no one to blame but himself.
Well this spiraled, didn’t it? I suppose that’s what happens when I don’t write you for a few months. I think I know what you’d be asking right about now. Did I find my starting line? Sorry to disappoint…but if I am being blunt, I have not. I think I’ve been so distracted focusing on anything else to actually even consider where I am on that. I’d like to think I’m looking for it. I can’t confidently say that’s true either though. I still am having trouble shaking old habits. I sometimes wake up and think I am taking a step in the right direction. A step towards that mark to put my feet at and just begin, but I think I am still stuck somewhere else. Some days I am at the fence right outside it, others I am walking in the woods aimlessly, and many I am trying to go find it, but I get trapped in my own head doomed to stay in bed. I sometimes make excuses to not take the necessary steps towards that end; or beginning I suppose. The only thing I am confident when it comes to this subject is that I do want to make it there. I may be avoiding looking for any number of reasons, I may have not even come close to it, but I do want that deep down. I can’t always admit it, and I definitely still don’t think I deserve it which leads to some self sabotage in making progress towards that whole idea.
So that’s where I’m at right now. Just kind of going. Not anywhere in particular; just…on. Sorry if that’s disappointing, but at least its the truth. Hope you’re proud of me at least a little for that. Wasn’t always the person who was outwardly honest. Or inwardly now that I think about it. Anyways, I’ll try to write again soon. Thanks for reading.
love always,
wb