Dear SR,
Just a minute ago I thought about arguably too much with a sense of anger and frustration. I thought about how you, and probably many others, would tell me that my feelings are valid. I honestly can’t say that I agree with that thought. I think in a general sense that’s so true and important to keep in mind. It’s okay and even encouraged to feel things. We shouldn’t shut that down or feel bad for it, but I can’t help but get a little frustrated when I hear that about some of what I’m feeling.
I mean, is what I’m feeling really valid? Some might say any kind of emotion is okay. The more I think about it however, I cannot help but think a lot of what I’m feeling isn’t okay.
Is it really okay to feel things that hurt me? Is it fair to feel things that are real, but ultimately leave me further into a state of disarray? People always say not to compartmentalize. I get it, that is a way of life that is ultimately destructive. The thing is, looking into these thoughts and feelings only bring about a cycle of thoughts and emotions that I may arguably never get over. How is that fair? How is that okay?
I know people only are trying to say that its understandable to feel that way and that they accept your emotions for what they are, but if I cannot begin to feel that way towards it how am I supposed to be validated in that?
Perhaps I’m just complaining too much. It kind of feels like I am. I’m just really confused. For the longest time I thought I knew how to, perhaps not handle, but manage thoughts such as these. I felt that I would be okay living the way I was. I suppose that idea was just another fiction I came up with for myself. I don’t think I’m okay with it anymore. I’m no longer okay with just having my feelings be valid. I don’t want to be put into a position where I have to default to just hearing that and moving on hoping that it gets better knowing that these thoughts are okay to have. Whatever that means.
I’m discouraged of finding myself there from the same things over and over again. Now that I write it all out though I feel kind of shitty for thinking that. Almost as if I’m asking for too much. This was a stupid letter. I feel bad for writing it. Not sure if I’ll post it. Even though I told myself to post everything I write on here. Guess that’s kind of a pickle, huh?
love always,
wb