Dear SR,
You ever think to yourself that you reflect too much? I feel like that’s what I’m doing. I feel like growing up people never stop telling you to reflect and learn as you continue to move with the ebbs and flows. What happens when that feels like one of the things that is causing things to become more complex? It’s a question I just found myself now asking myself. I feel like every time I’ve attempted to write a letter its always been from a state of self reflection. I suppose this isn’t an exception either. I’m reflecting on reflecting. Ugh, isn’t that an exhausting notion. Sometimes I write or think these things and I just want to tell myself to shut the fuck up.
I mean seriously, this kind of thing is so annoying. I can barely stand the fact that I am thinking these things. It’s honestly quite pathetic. Part of me feels that I should be a little more forgiving and feel that its okay to feel this way, but I don’t know if it is. It’s just so toxic. It’s not even productive in a way that leads me to some kind of progress. All it leads me to is a sort of…guilt, i think. I feel like that word best describes it.
I’m not helping anyone by feeling this way. I’m not resolving anything. It’s not good, it’s not healthy, it’s not anything. I can’t even find a way to verbalize it to others. It just makes me angry. Even now I feel as though I’m just writing words that barely mean anything. Which just results in me complaining about it, which is just contributing to this guilt. I feel it everywhere.
It makes everything else that isn’t this feel unearned. Everything that’s remotely positive is just waiting to be consumed by a constantly rising pool of whatever this shit is. I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to because stopping it would require facing whatever label defines this mess and doing that would require me to come back to reflect on it all again. I think we both know that would lead to me penning another letter of a very similar subject matter.
I just genuinely cannot tell whats good for me and whats not. I know I haven’t made a lot of progress in a long time. Before you say anything I already know what you’re going to say.
“Healing isn’t linear”
I know. But I wish I knew if the things that people say helped were at least benign. I wish what I’m saying right now was benign; however I think we’ve talked long enough to know it’s not. Perhaps you’d disagree. I wouldn’t know. You aren’t really here.
love always,
wb