Dear SR,
I’ve found myself falling down a rabbit hole of videos all about exploring. You know the type. The ones where a young-ish person or group attempts to find themselves by taking some kind of spiritual journey which usually involves leaving their home and putting a stop to every aspect of their normal life. Sometimes its a cross country trip, sometimes it’s van life, sometimes its leaving the country. Whatever it is, they all have one thing in common. They all go through, or rather are attempting to go through, some kind of transformation into the person they have always wanted to be.
I can see why that idea is so alluring. People tend to have a lot of self doubt, or they struggle to put themselves into the position to set them up to become who they envision. That can be caused by societal roadblocks, mental battles, familial circumstances, or some other fourth thing. Usually somewhere in these videos; correction, somewhere on their journey, they find themselves having a number of similar realizations. One that I thought stuck out a lot was that of a nihilistic feeling. Not inherently the stereotypical nihilism many think of, but rather one that comes from the sense of scale they are coming to realize from leaving their safe place and seeing the world, or as it more feels, seeing whatever they find themselves in front of from one day to the next. They have some kind of drastic change and feel a sense of insignificance in the grand scheme of things. Which does make sense if coming off as a little myopic. Not trying to say that idea is bad at all, it just feels curious to me. I do understand that we all know how small we are, and that seeing it in our reality can trigger that feeling, but it feels almost like its a bit of a drastic thought.
I’ve always found the idea that we don’t matter because we are small to be such a…narrow minded way of looking at things. Yes, ultimately we all don’t matter and will eventually be forgotten to time. Whether that be tomorrow or centuries from now. But I feel almost a sense of irresponsibility in saying nothing matters when you look at just how big the universe really is. People don’t tend to live like nothing matters when they say that. It feels either not genuine or like its missing the point. On top of that the latter parts of these journeys these people are taking tend to to contradict that very idea. I’d say that’s a good thing if it were something they learned along the way and it changed them, but it doesn’t come off as a resolution to this notion. Instead it’s more of collective teachings. Like I said earlier, they always feel contradictory. To me at least.
They will “find themselves” at the same time as they come to realize their insignificant place in this world. Now, perhaps they dive deep into that and find themselves within that nihilistic ideal, but the conclusion of these tales don’t show that either. It really is a puzzling trend I couldn’t help but dissect. Nihilism is tricky like that. I don’t think many people really grasp the concept of the ideology fully. If you want to sit there and say nothing matters, that’s fine, but then you can’t get all riled up when morality is brought into the field. Morality blurs a lot of things here because to say nothing matters is to say that morality is essentially tied to that too. If someone were to have morality I would say they don’t fully feel that way.
We can all have our own ideas about morality of course, but there are a few directions that most peoples concept of it are based on. I’m not going to go into extensive detail on all of them, but I am willing to bet that these individuals do not subscribe to the idea of moral nihilism. Maybe they would argue that morals are ingrained into human nature by something greater than ourselves, maybe they would say morality is something that is crafted by the people who come together and question what is and is not moral, but few truly believe that there are no moral facts whatsoever. That because everything is meaningless ultimately there is no moral fact or moral creation.
I guess what I’m trying to say is things do matter. Yes, we are small, but we have to realize that some things are important in the grand scale of our world.
Also, just to make sure I cover my bases, I am aware that these are approximately half hour YouTube videos the likely do not represent these peoples inner most thoughts and doctrines. They may, and likely are, talking about the concept on a more surface and inter personal level. More of a spiritual sense to bring it full circle.
I guess I just find it odd that they bring light to such grand inner discoveries that help them find themselves only for the things that help them do exactly that leave me clueless. I know that I can never truly understand someone’s inner feelings completely, but it just feels odd to me. Perhaps, that understanding is meant only for their own self reflection as they look back on these digital memories. For the others who have the luxury to watch them wander, maybe it’s just a comfort. A release. A way for themselves to imagine that they too can find themselves. I think I kind of like that take away. Makes it feel like a sense of hope for those who have not yet found the courage, willingness, or means to wander themselves.
As for why it doesn’t evoke the same feeling for me, I’m not sure I fully grasp that yet myself. Perhaps I need to do it to really understand. That would make this whole letter a little meaningless if I went out there and got the same feeling. Made me chuckle a bit just now thinking about it. If I had to take a guess though, it probably has to do with the simple idea that I don’t think I’m starting at the same place that these people are. I don’t mean that in a superficial way. I understand that with a some good effort I could find myself feeling like I am on a level field with these people. I just mean that many of these people have ideas of what they want to be, and in taking the journey are facing headstrong towards that. Maybe not all of them reach it, maybe some find challenges along the way, and maybe some realize that person that they want to be is changing shape before their eyes while they take the leap of faith. I, however, don’t think I really know. I used to think I knew. I didn’t just realize I was wrong though and continue looking. I think I was deluding myself into believing I knew who I wanted to be. I asked myself why when I came to that conclusion? Probably for the same reason anybody lies. To feel like they belong.
I wish I could explain the difference better. The way I’m putting it feels kind of rudimentary. It’s not as simple as finding oneself versus the idea of heading towards who they want to be. It’s something I am having trouble putting into words. I’d like to, but the idea of it seems quite daunting. Perhaps another time. I just know that if I put myself in the exact shoes of these people I couldn’t say the things they are. It would feel different as I couldn’t even go looking for a direction to go in the first place. Not that I think what they are doing is wrong. I’m sure, or at least I hope, that it is exactly what they need for themselves. We all are our own story, so if that’s where theirs took them then that’s probably for the best.
I’m really gonna have to think on this to attempt to understand. It’ll bother me if I don’t. Apologies for how long winded this was. Apologies again if this made little sense. Maybe one day I can figure it out and do something similar for myself. Although I get the sense that for some of these people its not a want, its a need. I’d like to have a need that drives me to take a leap like that. One where I can hopefully learn something about myself.
love always,
wb