Dear SR,
How are you? Is that what I should say? Probably not the most appropriate question. I’m just not sure how to something like this. Talking always was rather difficult for me. It’s funny, every time I say that to myself I’m reminded about all the recent times people seem to say I don’t have trouble speaking my mind. I suppose there is some truth to that. I always try to make my voice heard, but I think you know that’s not quite what I mean. When it comes to…well this, I can’t seem to formulate my words into coherent sentences. Which to be honest, I need to figure out how to do, because I’m unsure how much longer I can compartmentalize without going off the deep end. It’s times like this that I wish I could talk to you in a more direct way about all this. You always were the best at navigating me through these sorts of feelings. Don’t even know how you did it. You didn’t even have to try. Everything you said in those moments was just…right. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but I couldn’t put it into better words if I tried.
Sorry if this is all senseless dribble. I promise I’m trying to give this letter direction, but every time I go looking for the words I seem to come up empty handed. I feel like I keep talking and just nothing is coming out. Only seems to happen when I write to you though. That’s kind of tragic when I think about it like that. Then again, that’s us in a nutshell. I find myself thinking about that a lot. The nature of you and I. Is that weird? Maybe it is, but perhaps its the right kind of weird? I feel like that’s something cheesy I would say right about now if we were in person right now. I’m dribbling again. My apologies.
Anyways I just have been thinking about something recently, which is what brought me to my computer to write all this. Of course in my head when trying to formulate all this it was more focused. To be honest though, when I think about talking to you I just want to catch up and talk about anything else but this sort of heavier stuff. If I could I’d talk for hours about anything and everything that amounts to nothing. Remember when we used to do that? Nothing we said mattered in the slightest, and we loved that about our talks. Hours would turn into the whole night and we would have said absolutely nothing of consequence, but that made all that nothing mean something. It was enough. Well, I know it was for me. I hope it was for you too. We probably laughed at absolutely nothing. What a nostalgic feeling that is.
Lately, it hasn’t been quite that simple. I can’t bring myself to laugh like that anymore. If I somehow manage it, it doesn’t feel the same. It feels heavy and wrong. It has a bitter taste to it. The kind that sits in your throat for the entire day. Sometimes it stings, sometimes it numbs, and sometimes it just stays and forces you to sit there and confront the feeling. It’s funny that something so trivial can turn out to be the most complex concept. It’s that reason I feel like sometimes, for me at least, it is really hard to genuinely laugh. Even when the circumstances are perfect, and your emotions line up, something seems to go sour. I can’t be the only one that feels this way. I just wish it wasn’t such a constant in my mind.
Anyways, I suppose this is running a bit long. Plus it’s 5 AM for me. It’s because I couldn’t sleep that with thoughts like this that I decided to even compose this letter, but I probably should at least try to give it another shot. Even if sleep and I don’t seem to mix well. Although like I said, I could talk to you for hours if given the chance. Sadly, things are a bit different now, aren’t they? Anyways, I hope you know I’m thinking of you.
love always,
wb