Four years in. You think I’d be happy to have made it this far. To be almost done. To be almost out into the real world. Honestly though, I feel more terrified than anything. I feel uneasy and scared, unsure and doubtful. I suppose I just haven’t reached the point I thought I’d be in life by the time I had to be a real adult. I still feel just as trapped as ever, and I’m struggling to break free of that. I never had the college experience that most talk about. I didn’t go to parties, I didn’t join any clubs, I didn’t make a whole group of new friends. I’ve just done nothing. And I know that isn’t anyone’s fault. I guess I kind of hoped college would be different. I hoped that by a few years in I would have been able to figure this whole thing out and change it for the better so I could look back with a smile on my face as I remember. I suppose that very thought was the issue though. You see change isn’t really my strong suit. I get comfortable and I latch on and try my damn hardest to not let go. But in the end you always get shaken off. I’ve never liked that.
My history with change is a long and not very pleasant one. Don’t have a ton of examples of good change which makes me scared whenever it comes around, but I’ll go into that in more detail some other time. The point is I was scared of the changes that would occur going into college and thus it led me here. Now I’m just scared for real life to shift it up another gear in my metaphorical busted up Honda Civic that is my attempt to navigate life. But I suppose it does get me to the destination I need it to. It bumps and rattles and sure as hell ain’t pretty, but it gets there in one piece more or less. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say it gets there in a Buch of loosely put together pieces that are a good shake away from falling apart mid drive.
Weird metaphors aside though, I can’t seem to look at the end of this four year trip and think fondly of it or what’s to come after. Sure, there have been things that happened within these four years that have been good for me, and I’ll treasure those memories, but I do think in the end even those things seem to end with a melancholy “but”. I’ve had so much time to think lately with me being in a single all by my lonesome in these quiet halls. I’ve come to the realization that while the world is changing around me…I’m not, and that’s a problem. My inability to change hurt someone I care about rather recently. They wanted to support me, but they after some time together they came to the realization that they didn’t think I was capable of getting help and felt like my problems became their own. They couldn’t deal with that and I don’t blame them. I can understand why they may have felt that way because to an extent they were right. Even with that in mind, hearing from someone that means a lot to you that you don’t have what it takes to change for the better still hurts. I respect them for being able to tell me how they truly felt, but it still feels a bit raw thinking about it some time later. I tend to carry a lot of baggage and sometimes I don’t realize that it indirectly is effecting those around me too. I do all I can to try and stop that from happening, but I suppose that isn’t always enough. So for anyone who is reading this who has felt that because of me and my problems, I am sorry. I want to change. To make everything right. Not just for all of you, but for me. I’m starting my journey, I just hope it all works out. Things tend to go disastrous when I’m involved, but I need to make that change, so this is my first step towards happiness and I’d like to say…
hello.
love always,
wb