Dear SR,
I don’t really know what I want to write about at this moment. Just had an impulse to say something to you. I’m already finding myself falling into a bit of a darker place like I usually do around the holidays. I think I’ve tried going to hotlines and chat rooms quite a bit more than I usually do. It’s really weighing down on me right now and I’m not sure what to do with that feeling.
On the way home from school the topic came up about the fact that I really don’t like the holidays. You could even say I hate them. I’m sure you remember I don’t use the word hate lightly. I reserve it for the things I really have nothing positive to say about it. Anyways, as much as I tried to make her understand I don’t think I was very successful. That may have something to do with the amount of frustration I feel towards her when it comes to the reasons why. I still have’t learned to forgive her for what happened with Amber. I feel all that guilt already, but on top of that I couldn’t keep my promise to her to not let her die alone. I wanted to be there for her, but I failed to keep my word. Haven’t come to terms with that even years later. I don’t forgive myself even now, but part of me is still angry towards her as well. I feel like she didn’t even try to understand the situation at the time, and the fact that every time the conversation comes up she states she doesn’t remember how the original situation went down only proves that more in my mind.
I know she wouldn’t do that sort of thing on purpose. But the fact that she held me back from being able to keep my word to Amber still gives me this sense of disdain in my mind. Maybe it’s wrong for me to feel that way after all these years. I have tried to move on, but I can’t forgive something when there has been no effort to reconcile on the other end. I just can’t be expected to work this all out on my end. Maybe that’s wrong too, but it is how I see things. So up until now I have just dealt with all those feelings and ignored them I guess. The only problem is I get a little bitter because of this at this time of year seeing this is when it all went down. I don’t want to be, but it becomes increasingly difficult to put up with all that during the last few months of the year. Especially because whenever the topic does rear its head into conversation, usually because someone has trouble understanding my feelings towards the holiday or feels I am bringing down the holidays, I am caught totally off guard with the lack of tact, understanding, and maybe even respect it is handled with.
Sorry. Didn’t mean for this to turn into a rant. To be honest, while my frustrations with my family comes mostly from that, I find a lot of my other feelings that hit at yearend to come from my inability to stop myself from looking back. I hate doing it, but its unavoidable. Whether it’s my mind and psyche that pushes those thoughts to the front or my PTSD or even my guilt, I just can’t help but spend a lot of time in my own head lately. I suppose that isn’t anything new though. You already knew that.
So yeah, I’ve been missing you a lot lately. Some days I can go half the day without thinking about that, but I can’t seem to do that anymore. I just wish you were here to spend some time with me. Maybe I wouldn’t be so caught in my own head then. Anyways…I don’t know what else to say really. Didn’t have much direction for this letter in the first place. Just wanted to talk I guess and hope to find something therapeutic from all this, but luck has never really been on my side so I’m not surprised it isn’t having that effect. Either way, miss you tons.
love always,
wb