Dear SR,
Well, it’s finally out. Another small step in my long long journey into opening up. It feels kind of different now that people know about my problems. For context, I told a good number of people about my Dissociative Identity Disorder. On top of that, while I was pretty certain I had it, I went ahead and saw a professional to diagnose me officially. I’ll also be seeing another expert to get a second opinion.
I was hoping after I reached the point where some of the people I keep really close know I would feel better, but as it turns out telling all of them only made me feel more…broken. I am trying to accept myself as a system. I never did before and was in extreme denial, but now that I am being honest with myself I can’t help but feel less. Like that truth hurts me. I know some people can feel really empowered by their truth. Even those inside the DID community, but for some reason I just can’t cope with it. I’m trying to. I try not to be so scared to bring it up and I know as I stop holding myself back switches will occur more often in public, but as much as I try to be prepared for that I still feel a sense of gloom around it.
And with everything going on lately, both on and off this topic, I have not only had more experience being in the background and not fronting, but we have split again. This split seems to be very different circumstances than the last one, but I just don’t know how to manage. I gladly welcome to our system and I don’t feel any kind of threat from them, but its just making me question myself a lot more than I thought. Maybe its just an identity crisis over the symptoms of the disorder. Either way, managing it is proving difficult.
Luckily, those who care about me have been very supportive. I haven’t been extremely direct in how I have chosen to tell people, but I think most have picked up on what I am trying to share with them and have shown nothing but kindness. I wish I had the courage to be more direct about it, but I never know when the right time is and I never feel like it is an appropriate time to ruin a happy moment with something that, to me, is rather melancholy.
I did let someone inside my family know this time. Not my parents for obvious reasons, but I told my sister. She had some trouble taking it all in cause I kind of had to explain a lot of the ins and outs of it. She took it well, but I do think it was a hefty sum to put on her plate. Luckily she assured me that she was able to process it with her own method. I did feel a little bad, but she did her best to reassure me about it and thanked me for sharing. Overall it was more of a positive outcome which is the most I can really ask for.
Sorry if this is kind of a laundry list of current events. I just wanted to put it all out there and share how I feel about it. I’m hoping it takes a turn for the positive because as of now it feels more like I’m now naked and vulnerable and I’m not sure what to do about that. Luckily, everyone who knows I trust quite a bit. I guess the only one who knows that I don’t trust is myself. As always, thanks for listening. From both inside my head, and in letter format.
love always,
wb