“No sooner have you feasted on beauty with your eyes than your mind tells you that beauty is vain and beauty passes.” (Virginia Woolf)
If there is one thing I find myself guilty of when reflecting back on my brother, it’s that I often failed to see the beauty in his existence. When being given the opportunity to speak on his life, I found quite a bit of trouble simply due to the fact that in my most recent memories of him and I together, I was angry. Thinking back there was so much turmoil and so much raw negative emotion, and when I found out what happened, or rather the choice he made, I found myself only feeling more of that. I was angry how he knew things were tense between our family and how he probably knew this would only make things more challenging for us. I was angry that I was supposed to feel sorry and how I was supposed to mourn. Then that anger quickly shifted to frustration towards myself for not feeling what I felt was appropriate for a tragedy such as this one. But that’s just it, there is no way to feel. Only ways to live with how you feel.
They say the abyss attracts the abyss, and that is seemingly all I can think about when it comes to my brother in his final moments. I can’t say I could tell he was staring into it. I spent a lot of time before all of this thinking he was too self centered to even have a thought like that in his mind. From where I stood he just seemed to be a misguided individual, and I think anyone who really knew him wouldn’t argue against that, but he was more troubled than any of us could have ever known. He was sick, he was frustrated, he was tired, he was angry; and I imagine as much as I felt those things towards him at times, there was nobody more angry than himself.
And that’s just the problem, isn’t it? I didn’t, or maybe even couldn’t, see past all that to witness the genuine grace that sprouted out and flourished from his life. I couldn’t see the way he tried so hard to push past his overbearing tribulations to be the friend or family he clearly wanted to be for those that mattered to him. Perhaps that was because he chose to never let me see that out of fear of witnessing something he felt was worse. Maybe he didn’t know how to let me in; or perhaps he tried to show me, but I couldn’t figure out how to see his suffering.
Meeting and hearing what many of you had to say about him did give me some relief that he wasn’t completely alone in all of that. In the moments where seemingly i could not be what he needed, many of you made sure his soul was fulfilled; and after recollecting many gems that sat locked away in my mind as long lost memories, I now feel more confident that he had such a wonderful community of people around him throughout the many different chapters of his life, and I think I can be assured that he did not leave us without realizing that himself. It shows me that despite the overbearing force that was his demons, he still found a way to live inside your hearts and us inside his. That fact alone gives me, and hopefully any of you who felt close to him, comfort, and I can only imagine it meant the world to him too.
However, it is such a simple act to look upon these things as one of two sides. As right or wrong. As good or bad. I think it’s so much more complicated than that. Between what we view as black and white we can see the truth of our lives take shape in the infinite spaces between those certainties. There are thousands and thousands of shades and hues that can paint our lives into what they are and what they can become. Yes, Garrett had many darker days, and it may be that he lost himself to many of them, but for a myriad of those days there are ones where he cast momentary etches of bliss and magnificent shades of existence that help to make up the beautiful mess that was his life. And I think it is no different for us. Because isn’t that what living really is? Isn’t that what it refers to? Taking the time to pay attention to someone. Finding a way to show love for someone. Learning to cope with difficult feelings for someone. Allowing ourselves to enjoy our time with someone. To me, that’s a lot of what it means to live. All of it is a mess, but it’s our mess, and I think there is something profoundly beautiful about that. So, I choose to remember Garrett for all of it. His joy, and his anguish. His love, and his loss. His death, and his life.