Dear SR,
You know how almost everyone likes a good window seat? People seem to have a fascination with being able to look out onto whatever they are being shielded from. Whether it be a window in a room or that small little aperture on a plane, people seem to always like to take a seat by the window when they have the option. Perhaps that’s just because nobody likes being in the middle when on a plane. Either way, as someone who flew a lot as a kid I know that applied to me. Loved getting to look out on a rare opportunity to view the world from above the cloud line. Every time I find myself in a car, or a bus, or especially a train I can’t help but gravitate towards the window. Even if I’m not the person closest to the window I end up with my eyes glazed over staring. I’ve received weird looks for that before, almost as if that role doesn’t belong to someone who doesn’t have a window seat. It’s probably just because it often looks like I’m staring through someone to get to that window. Maybe they assume I’m giving them a peculiar gaze. Either way, it’s not really the point of all this. I was just trying to give some insight for what the actual point of my letter is.
Lately I have been having this recurring thought. I keep thinking about how I want to get on a bus and just get the hell out of…well here I guess. I don’t mean here as in my current geographical location. I more mean I just don’t want to be wherever I am. I don’t know if I quite get it myself. Perhaps I don’t want to be in the place where I feel I became the person I am today. Perhaps its a need, or rather a want, to start fresh. The more I have been having the thought, the more time I’ve put into what exactly I am trying to get out of. You’d think with all that time to myself I would have at least made a little progress on the idea. I really haven’t though. It’s just given me the headspace to ask questions that leave me more confused than I initially was. I suppose I’ve moved backwards. Even how the thought comes about perplexes me. I understand seeking out that setting and wanting to watch the world go by when say riding a bus, but in this case the idea spawns out of seemingly anywhere. Even when I’m not on the move I find myself coming to this same point in my head occasionally. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had the urge to just…go when riding the train into ******, but these past few weeks I can’t seem to shake the idea.
Perhaps it has something to do with the time of year? You and I both know I really don’t like the holidays. I kind of hate them, and I hate myself for hating them. They are one of many low points in my yearly calendar. Even with that fact in mind, I can’t rule that as the cause for this odd thought process.
Either way, the idea of just taking a train to anywhere far away and being able to just go for the sake of having a few short moments where I can feel like I’m not there does sound nice. Obviously though, it isn’t usually the location that holds that weight, but rather me, hence why that feeling would be short lived. I know it wouldn’t actually change anything, but I just have this bit of hope that everything going through my head wouldn’t be as loud if I just listened to that itch. I can’t explain it, and its origins don’t seem to be the most positive, but it’s still there waiting to be scratched.
Maybe I’ll do it though. Get on whatever train I see first and hope for the best. Perhaps I can talk to those who come and go on the various stops about this recurring thought; or perhaps I could just listen to their stories. I do always find it fascinating to hear everyones journey. Almost like Forest Gump style except one where he actually gets on the bus, and doesn’t have a set destination. Now that I think about it I also suppose I wouldn’t really be Tom Hanks in this scenario as I’d be listening so I guess that’s not the best analogy. Either way I feel that public transportation is a great way to meet a lot of interesting characters, or perhaps dangerous ones, but I don’t like to assume the worst of others. This isn’t what I started typing this to talk about though. Sorry about that. Mind wanders. You know how I am.
Honestly though, I feel that if I did find myself going through with it, I’d probably use the days and nights I’m there to look out the window and try to figure out why it is I wanted so badly to be in that position in the first place, and figure out what I’m hoping to find out there.
This letter sort of devolved in a way I don’t really like, but I guess that happens when you don’t have much of a structure to these. Something for me to think about I guess along with the whole leaving on a train thing.
Thanks for listening.
love always,
wb