Dear SR,
I think you’re someone I have a lot of trust in. I’d like to think you are, but as you’re likely well aware most formative moments that contribute to forming my personality are very much in question. I guess that comes with dissociative disorders. However, for simplicity sake, we are going to say that you are someone I have a lot of confidence in. Someone that I can trust as much as my person can physically allow.
That being said, I think a lot about the fact that I am almost unable to push myself towards what I want out of my life. Do you know what everyone who accomplishes their dreams has in common? They are able to charge head first at how they want to craft their futures. I think I am starting to feel as though some people don’t have the capacity to do that. It’s a really negative thought, but I keep finding myself coming to that conclusion. I don’t even want to find that idea. Perhaps it’s finding me first.
I think that may have something to do with the fact that I am starting to associate myself with that thought. I know what I would like to achieve. I can nearly taste it. It’s such a clear image in my mind. Aspirations, and goals, and accomplishments. They all carve into my head. Sometimes I can even visualize a bold map to reach it. Yet, even with that, I can’t push off my foot. The people who surround me give me all the encouragement I could ever ask for and here I am still, not moving a muscle.
Am I afraid of failure? I don’t think that’s it. While failure is for sure a possible outcome that would be upsetting, I don’t fear it whatsoever. Every time I try to ask myself what causes the hesitation I realize there really isn’t anything potent that sticks out that holds me back. It’s just me. It’s why I feel the way I do, that some people may just not be the type to make their dreams real.
I’d love to write for a living. To craft stories and narratives and characters. I’d love to take sounds and whisk it into music. I’d love to honestly do anything but what I am doing now. Despite that fact, I don’t. I sit and be content only to yearn for so much that I could probably grab hold of if I applied effort and drive and discipline, but I don’t ever act. I sit with passion and tell myself that’s enough.
I think anyone who has made it past that point would tell you that it takes a lot more than passion, and it takes a hell of a lot more than a damn dream. It takes a certain kind of person. I’m just not certain if I am that breed of individual. The worst part…I have resided myself to being content with that too.
love always,
wb