Dear SR,
I’ve been having these small moments of intense emotion throughout my day lately. They only appear for moments, but when they do they completely take over anything and everything that I am doing.
You and I both know what is causing them. Regret, Sadness, Depression, Pain…you know the rest. One that is kind of new, or maybe I just never really noticed it, is the feeling of longing. Which was confusing to me. What could I be longing? I’m still not sure I fully understand it.
Perhaps with foresight it now seems obvious, but I’m sure in those moments I don’t like to think of the why’s. I think I long for a time, or a life, where I didn’t take the actions I have. My fault or not, directly connected or otherwise, I just think I want a little normalcy. I long for it.
Or perhaps that’s envy. But I feel as though envy has to come from a place of example. The only times in my life where I felt envious was when I found myself looking at the life of another and thinking, I want that. And while I’ve had fleeting moments of it, this feels unique and rather segregated from that. This is more of a fantasy.
Isn’t that sad? I fantasize about things being simple. Most people who feel that way would probably just dial back their life a bit and continue forward avoiding the more dramatic bits. On the other hand, I seem to be challenged at the developmental level when attempting any form of that. It’s like a occupational hazard or something.
All that aside, it isn’t why I pulled out my laptop to write you another letter. It’s the conclusion that feeling led to that made me finally put the pen to paper. Or, er, finger to key rather. I haven’t written a letter on paper to you in quite some time. I’m getting sidetracked though.
I realized that those feelings of longing were always short lived. At first I thought this was similar in nature to the feelings of a burst of anxiety, or a touch of seasonal depression, but I don’t think the ideas compare. I wasn’t just not thinking about it and moving on until I did again. I was learning to be apathetic. Apathy has always been an emotion that I’ve had mixed feelings about. It is single handedly one of the most dangerous emotions, while also being incredibly useful. It can be such a silent killer to so many people’s emotional well being. It almost sits there and festers, and because it doesn’t feel like much it can often go untreated. Although, if someone were able to discover that sitting in them, silently killing them softly, it has a pretty strong defense mechanism by just being what it is. It’s simply easier to just be apathetic. And while it causes a lot of harm it also can be a sort of suppressor to a lot of the other negative emotions that are carried with it.
When I feel apathetic to what I just described, I stop feeling bad about it. I continue on in my life, but I understand that I’m not forgiving myself. How could I? It’s not even that I want to do it, my whole sense of self just does it on its own. I think its become a safety mechanism for me. Perhaps my deep buried sub conscious understands what I don’t. That if I didn’t have apathy, I would likely drive myself to a sense of insanity, and that insanity would lead me to an unshakeable pain that would inevitably be my downfall. It would cause me to finally and conclusively let go.
Even sitting here saying this now to you, I don’t feel any sort of way about that. I’m not scared of that changing as I know its just part of me now. I don’t feel sad that if that one part of me were slightly different that I would likely be dead. I just…feel it. So I find myself at an impossible crossroad. I can continue with that apathy. Allow it and some nihilistic tendencies to be a partner in my road to living on. Or I can relinquish it, and allow the madness of my choices to complete take grasp around my mind. That leap of faith I imagine would be my end.
I say it’s a choice, but I know it really isn’t. Well, not one that anyone would say I realistically have. I say that because I know the only one that would be acceptable to go with. Not only from others perspective, but from mine too. I made a promise after all. So, my path is chosen for me. Even if it’s not one I always feel is best.
Anyways, I’m kind of done talking about apathy now. It doesn’t really feel right to go on about much longer. So, sorry if it trailed off before I got the chance to really say anything substantive. I don’t think I am as much driven to write this as I was when I started. Sorry for it being abrupt.
love always,
wb